starbucks
Starbucks Introduces ‘Tank Day’ Loyalty Program: Buy 9 Mochas, Get a Free Flashback to Authoritarian Crackdown
New promotion offers customers a chilling reminder of 1980s military suppression, plus 50 stars bonus
UK
UK Declares ‘Democracy’ Means ‘You Can Protest, But We Get to Decide If You Go to Jail’
New report reveals British government creates ‘political prisoner’ category for those who disagree with its foreign policy and environmental stance
Ferrari
Ferrari Unveils First Electric Car, Promises It Will Sound Exactly Like a Very Expensive Hair Dryer
The Luce model marks the end of an era for Italian engineering: now you can't even hear your midlife crisis coming.
spain
Spain National Team Coach: 'Real Madrid Players Too Busy Winning Champions Leagues, So We Took Barcelona Benchwarmers Instead'
In a historic first, Spain's World Cup squad contains zero Real Madrid players—and the coach says it's because they 'just aren't hungry enough' for international glory.
Satire News
U.S. AND IRAN REACH HISTORIC DEAL THAT ONE SIDE DENIES IS BEING NEGOTIATED
Vice President Vance announced that Washington and Tehran are very close to a memorandum of understanding that would extend the ceasefire by sixty days, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and begin talks on
Satire News
EMIRATIS BOMB IRAN DURING CEASEFIRE: "DIDN'T HEAR IT, WE'VE GOT TINNITUS"
Abu Dhabi launched new strikes on Tehran hours after the official ceasefire announcement. Military spokesperson: “We were told ‘guys it’s a ceasefire’, but we were 30 meters away from an explosion. Ca
japan
Japan Loses Top Creditor Crown to China and Germany, Vows to Win It Back by Buying More Foreign Bonds with Pensioners' Life Savings
Record-high external assets not enough to keep up with aggressive Chinese spending and German efficiency; Japanese Finance Ministry says ‘next time, we’ll put the yen on steroids’
US military
Pentagon Announces New Strikes in Iran, Can’t Remember What They Were For
‘Self-defense against what, exactly? We’ll know when the smoke clears,’ says official
Trump
Trump Touts Abraham Accords as Solution to Iran, Gaza, and Possibly His Unpaid Legal Bills
Former President proposes trading normalization for nuclear deal, ignoring that the accords are currently on life support.
world cup
Iran National Team to Commute from Mexico to US for World Cup Games, Border Patrol to Check for Soccer Balls
In a historic first, a World Cup team will need a passport and a visa just to play a home game away from home.
custard apple
Custard Apple: The Mike Tyson of Plants That Produces Fruit Swooning Like Victorian Maiden
Agricultural researchers baffled by tree that survives nuclear winter, only to offer dessert that bruises if you look at it wrong
SNP
SNP’s Former CEO Pleads Guilty to Embezzling Funds Meant for Scottish Independence, Which Is Fine Because He Was Just ‘Diversifying the Dream’
Party insists Murrell’s 20-year embezzlement was merely a “creative accounting exercise” to test the resilience of Scotland’s future economy.
Hong Kong
Hong Kong Finally Gets Its First Astronaut; Government Officials Still Looking for Venue to Celebrate
City celebrates Lai Ka-ying's historic spaceflight by forming committee to form another committee
Leipzig
Leipzig Students Vote to Boycott Israel, Accidentally Become Everything Their Predecessors Fought Against
In a stunning reversal, the cradle of Germany's pro-Israel 'Antideutsche' movement now demands academic apartheid, leaving old guard bewildered.
Crab
100-Million-Year-Old Bug Grows Crab Claws to Fit In with Cooler Cretaceous Crustaceans
Paleontologists say the insect's desperate attempt at ‘crabification’ proves that even ancient bugs suffered from crustacean envy.
