Pentagon Announces New Strikes in Iran, Can’t Remember What They Were For

‘Self-defense against what, exactly? We’ll know when the smoke clears,’ says official

WASHINGTON—In a press briefing that left even the most seasoned Pentagon reporters scratching their heads, the U.S. military announced it had conducted new strikes in southern Iran, describing the operation as an act of “self-defense” without specifying what the hell they were defending themselves from.

“We identified an imminent threat and neutralized it,” said Maj. Gen. Brad Thorson, reading from a statement that contained exactly zero details. “What was the threat? Classified. Where exactly did we strike? Also classified. Casualties? You know the drill.”

The strikes mark the latest chapter in what military analysts are calling “The Schrödinger’s Conflict”—a war that simultaneously is and isn’t happening, depending on which press release you read.

“It’s a bold new doctrine,” said Dr. Lila Hassan, a geopolitical analyst at the Institute for Studies That May or May Not Exist. “You bomb something, call it self-defense, and then refuse to say what you bombed. It’s like ordering a pizza and not telling the delivery guy your address. Then you get mad when he doesn’t show up.”

Meanwhile, as if on cue, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he had ordered strikes against Hezbollah targets in Lebanon, calling it a “necessary defensive measure.” Hezbollah, in turn, said it would retaliate against Israel for its “aggressive self-defense.” Iran, still recovering from the U.S. strikes, vowed to “defend itself” against both.

“It’s self-defense all the way down,” said Kevin, the Broathcast Journal editor, who was seen clutching a stress ball shaped like a globe. “Everyone is defending themselves from everyone else. It’s turtles all the way down, except the turtles are armed with cruise missiles and have no idea what they’re shooting at.”

In a rare moment of candor, a senior defense official admitted off the record that the target list for the Iranian strikes was compiled using a “spin-the-globe” app and a dartboard. “We hit a couple of things that looked suspicious,” he said. “One was definitely a military installation. The other might have been a goat farm. It’s hard to tell from satellite imagery in the dark.”

The United Nations has called for an emergency session, but diplomats are reportedly struggling to draft a resolution that doesn’t accidentally endorse more self-defense strikes. “Every time we try to condemn one side, the other side claims we’re justifying their attacks,” said a frustrated UN spokesperson. “It’s like writing a cease-fire agreement in a house of mirrors.”

As of press time, no one has claimed responsibility for the strikes, primarily because no one is sure they actually happened. Central Command’s website briefly displayed a message reading “Error 404: Threat Not Found” before being taken down.

Editor’s note: Kevin has asked us to clarify that he is not responsible for the escalation of hostilities, though he admits he did accidentally put “nuke Iran” in his calendar as a joke. He has since deleted the entry.

Ispirato da: Real news about US military strikes on southern Iran and Netanyahu's directive to intensify strikes on Hezbollah

Categoria: Mondo

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
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