Israel
IDF Introduces Official Siren Bingo As False Alarms Reach Record Levels
Residents of northern Israel can now play 'Siren or Migrating Bird?' while sheltering in their reinforced living rooms.
japan
Japan Loses Top Creditor Crown to China and Germany, Vows to Win It Back by Buying More Foreign Bonds with Pensioners' Life Savings
Record-high external assets not enough to keep up with aggressive Chinese spending and German efficiency; Japanese Finance Ministry says ‘next time, we’ll put the yen on steroids’
US military
Pentagon Announces New Strikes in Iran, Can’t Remember What They Were For
‘Self-defense against what, exactly? We’ll know when the smoke clears,’ says official
social media
Doctors Told to Ask Teens About Screen Time Like They’re Holding a Secondhand Juul
‘We Noticed Kids Were Glowing Blue Instead of Orange,’ Says Medical Academy
Trump
Trump Touts Abraham Accords as Solution to Iran, Gaza, and Possibly His Unpaid Legal Bills
Former President proposes trading normalization for nuclear deal, ignoring that the accords are currently on life support.
custard apple
Custard Apple: The Mike Tyson of Plants That Produces Fruit Swooning Like Victorian Maiden
Agricultural researchers baffled by tree that survives nuclear winter, only to offer dessert that bruises if you look at it wrong
French Open
Monfils Loses Five-Set Thriller, Effectively Ending French Tennis and Possibly the Fifth Republic
Nation grapples with existential void after flashy 37-year-old fails to outlast younger, boring opponent, raising concerns about national readiness for post-Monfils era.
internet
Iranian President Orders Internet Reopened, Promises to Turn It Back Off When Protests or Bombs Resume
Regime frames basic connectivity as a generous concession, citizens wonder if they should send thank-you notes
Nepal
Nepal Supreme Court Rules Ex-PM Too ‘Too Poor’ to Launder Money, Drops Arrest Warrant
Justices question how a man who allegedly laundered millions could only afford a 1998 Maruti.
cable car
Tourists Stranded Mid-Air Demand Refunds, Also Elevation
'We paid for breathtaking views,' one passenger said, 'but this is ridiculous.'
Tunisia
Tunisian Court Sentences Critic to Life of Quiet Contemplation, Also Prison Time
In a bid to preserve the 'sole democracy from the Arab Spring,' officials ensure no one actually uses that democracy
Trump
Trump Demands Middle East Group Hug Before Ceasefire, Everyone Remains Seated
President insists Iran, Israel, and Arab states sing 'Kumbaya' amid ongoing airstrikes; negotiators eye exits.
SNP
SNP’s Former CEO Pleads Guilty to Embezzling Funds Meant for Scottish Independence, Which Is Fine Because He Was Just ‘Diversifying the Dream’
Party insists Murrell’s 20-year embezzlement was merely a “creative accounting exercise” to test the resilience of Scotland’s future economy.
tennis
Wawrinka Forced to Retire by Boredom as Swiatek’s Routine Win Highlights Tournament’s New Normal
Three-time Grand Slam champion gets emotional send-off; Iga Swiatek defeats opponent, gravity, and the concept of competition in under 90 minutes
ClickUp
ClickUp Lays Off Humans, Replaces Them With AI Agents Who Immediately Form Union
The startup's vision of the 'future of work' turns out to be just more work, but now the AI is demanding better algorithms and a nap function.
