Iranian President Orders Internet Reopened, Promises to Turn It Back Off When Protests or Bombs Resume

Regime frames basic connectivity as a generous concession, citizens wonder if they should send thank-you notes

Tehran, Iran — In a move that government officials are calling “a bold step toward digital enlightenment,” Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian has ordered the full restoration of international internet access, state media reported Wednesday. The decision, which would unblock platforms like Instagram and WhatsApp, comes after two separate nationwide blackouts that began in January and February of 2025, each imposed for different yet equally vague reasons.

“We have listened to the people, and we have decided to grant them the privilege of global connectivity,” said Information Minister Hossein Qasemi in a televised address, standing beside a giant switch labeled “INTERNET” that an aide ceremoniously flipped to “ON.” Qasemi added that the government reserves the right to turn the switch back to “OFF” at any moment, should protests break out, bombs fall, or the wind change direction.

The first shutdown, initiated on January 8, was in response to anti-government protests that erupted across multiple cities. Authorities cited the need to prevent the spread of “false information” and to “maintain public order,” effectively cutting off 80 million people from the global web. The second blackout, on February 28, followed U.S. and Israeli airstrikes, which targeted Iranian nuclear and military facilities. That blackout, according to officials, was meant to “protect national security” by ensuring citizens could not see videos of explosions.

“It’s like a light switch,” explained Tehran resident Arash Mousavi, 34, who runs a small online business. “One day, we’re connected to the world. Next day, protesters. Then bombs. Then nothing. Now, suddenly, the president decided it’s okay again. I have to say, I appreciate the clarity. It beats the old days when they’d just block specific sites like Twitter and call it a day.”

Editor’s note: Our editor Kevin, who has been staring at this story for six hours, asks whether there is a single country where internet access is treated as a human right rather than a seasonal gift. He has been told no, and has resumed staring.

The reopening order, if fully implemented, would restore access to Instagram, WhatsApp, and other services that have been blocked since January. However, past attempts to restore access have been partial or temporary, with authorities often retaining the ability to block specific sites at will. “We are a government of nuance,” said Qasemi. “We might turn everything on, but if we see one too many memes about the Supreme Leader, we will turn off meme-hosting platforms. You’ve been warned.”

Citizens have greeted the news with cautious optimism. “I’ve already drafted a thank-you email to the president,” said university student Fatemeh Rezai. “But I’m waiting to see if the internet stays on long enough to send it. The last time I tried to send an email, it was blocked because the government had classified ‘sending emails’ as a destabilizing activity.”

Meanwhile, international observers have noted the absurdity of a regime that cuts off the world to “maintain order,” then restores it with a presidential decree as if the past months of blackouts never happened. “This is like a landlord turning off your water for three months because you complained about the rent, then turning it back on and expecting a thank-you card,” said Sarah Williamson, a digital rights analyst at the Center for Internet & Society. “Except the landlord is armed, and the water is information.”

As of press time, the internet was still on, though a government spokesperson warned that it could be switched off at any moment if “the situation demands it.” When asked what would constitute a situation, the spokesperson said, “We’ll know it when we see it. Probably protests or bombs. Or maybe a Tuesday.”

Kevin has since unplugged his computer and gone for a walk.

Ispirato da: Iranian president orders reopening of international internet access amid ongoing blackouts

Categoria: Politica

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
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