AI
AI-Written Short Story Wins Commonwealth Prize, Human Writers Demand Recount
‘This is the most coherent thing we’ve seen in years,’ judge admits before resigning
Iran
Iran Threatens to Remove US From Middle East 'Safe Havens' That Don't Exist
Supreme Leader demands Washington vacate imaginary bases, says Iran 'won't tolerate' American presence in countries that aren't Iran.
France
France Deports Top Students Right After Graduation: 'We Prefer Them Uneducated and Depressed'
Government defends policy as 'anti-ambition' strategy, says deporting valedictorians is 'a form of humility training'
wind power
Trump Declares War on Wind, Loses as Breeze Continues Blowing Without His Permission
Former president’s all-out assault on offshore turbines fails to stop them from spinning, much to his bewilderment
messi
Messi's Hamstring Diagnosed with 'Complex Emotional Fatigue,' Club Imposes Strict Media Blackout on Muscle
Inter Miami doctors confirm the 37-year-old's hamstring is simply 'tired of all this travel' and needs a 'spa day.'
Taiwan
China’s 4th ‘Routine’ Combat Patrol This Week Just Checking if Taiwan’s Navy Is Still There, Says Beijing
Both sides scramble jets and ships for the 47th time this year, citing ‘defensive readiness’ after summit that accomplished nothing.
Iran
US to Return $6B of Iran’s Money to Help Regime ‘Better Suppress Its People’
Trump administration reportedly sees unfreezing assets as ‘win-win’: Iran gets cash, critics get new outrage material
Ebola
DR Congo Deploys ‘Zombie Containment Units’ to Tackle Ebola Burial Crisis
Hazmat teams now required to carry notarized affidavits proving they are not body-snatchers
US military
US Bombs Iran in 'Self-Defense' Mid-Peace Talks, Because Nothing Says Negotiate Like Explosions
Pentagon insists the airstrikes are just a 'confident handshake' as diplomats continue discussing the Strait of Hormuz over lunch
sri-lanka
Sri Lanka President Wins Two-Thirds Majority, Immediately Pledges to Investigate How He Won Two-Thirds Majority
Anura Kumara Dissanayake secures exactly enough seats to rewrite constitution but insists he’s still ‘just a humble anti-graft crusader’
wind power
Trump Declares War on Wind, But Turbines Just Keep Spinning, Laughing at His Tiny Fists Shaking at Sky
Former president vows to 'stop the wind itself' if elected; scientists confirm this is not how physics works
Messi
Messi Diagnosed with ‘Hamstring Fatigue’—Medical Term for ‘I’m Tired and Don’t Wanna Fly to Argentina’
Club doctors confirm the 37-year-old has run out of pep, prompting national outcry and a heated debate about the ethics of overusing the word 'fatigue'
Japan
Japan’s Underworld Recruiters Adopt Gig Economy Model: 'Flexible Hours, No Experience Needed, Must Be OK With Violence'
Tokuryū crime rings now offer signing bonuses, referral rewards, and same-day pay for armed robberies—all via social media
Netflix
Netflix Adaptation of '3 Body Problem' Claims Second Life as Executed Business Partner Proves Three-Body Problems Are Indeed Fatal
Chinese court confirms that in the streaming wars, you don't get canceled — you get executed
screen time
Doctors to Start Measuring Screen Time as Vital Sign, Alongside Pulse and Existential Dread
New guidelines require pediatricians to ask 'How many hours do you scroll?' while documenting everything on an iPad.
