US to Return $6B of Iran’s Money to Help Regime ‘Better Suppress Its People’

Trump administration reportedly sees unfreezing assets as ‘win-win’: Iran gets cash, critics get new outrage material

WASHINGTON — In what diplomatic sources describe as a ‘pragmatic breakthrough,’ the Trump administration has agreed to release $6 billion in frozen Iranian assets, a move that critics say will allow the Islamic Republic to finally afford the kind of high-quality repression it has only dreamed of during its current economic crisis.

“Look, we can either keep their money and let them collapse into chaos, or we can give it back and let them stabilize long enough to keep funding Hezbollah and crushing dissent,” said a senior State Department official. “One of those options makes us look tough on paper, but the other actually lets us take credit for a nuclear deal. We’re going with that one.”

The assets, which include oil revenues held in South Korean banks, have been frozen since 2018 as part of the United States’ “maximum pressure” campaign. But with Iran’s inflation at 40% and public sector salaries barely covering bread, the White House reportedly decided that a broke Iran is a liability—and a well-funded Iran is someone else’s problem.

“President Trump campaigned on making Iran beg for pennies, but now he’s handing them billions with a bow on top,” said Kevin, Broathcast Journal’s senior editor, who paused mid-sentence to sigh. “The logic is flawless: if we give them the money, they might stop enriching uranium. Or they might buy more drones. Either way, it’s not our problem after 2024.”

Under the proposed deal, Iran would roll back its nuclear program to 2015 levels and submit to enhanced inspections by the International Atomic Energy Agency. In exchange, the U.S. would release the funds in quarterly installments—each one presumably followed by a telegram from Tehran saying “thanks for the cash, please send more.”

Critics, however, are furious. “This is like handing a firebug a gallon of gasoline and asking him not to burn down the house,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL). “The regime will use this money to pay its unpaid civil servants, shore up its currency, and then smile while its proxies attack our allies. And we’ll be left holding the receipt.”

Others point out the irony of Trump, who once vowed to make Iran’s economy “collapse like a house of cards,” now personally propping it up. “He’s the patron saint of Iranian stability,” said analyst Farid Abtahi. “Every time he says ‘maximum pressure,’ the ayatollahs giggle and wait for the check.”

The White House insists the release is a necessary bargaining chip. “If you want peace, you have to negotiate from a position of… well, actually from a position of giving them a lot of money,” said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. “That’s how deals work. You give them something, they give you nothing, and you call it a victory.”

At press time, Iran’s central bank was reportedly printing new banknotes featuring a portrait of Trump shaking hands with Supreme Leader Khamenei, captioned: “Friends in Business, Partners in Repression.”

Ispirato da: US weighing release of $6B frozen Iranian assets as last hurdle in nuclear talks

Categoria: Politica

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