US Bombs Iran in 'Self-Defense' Mid-Peace Talks, Because Nothing Says Negotiate Like Explosions
Pentagon insists the airstrikes are just a 'confident handshake' as diplomats continue discussing the Strait of Hormuz over lunch
Japan’s Underworld Recruiters Adopt Gig Economy Model: 'Flexible Hours, No Experience Needed, Must Be OK With Violence'
Tokuryū crime rings now offer signing bonuses, referral rewards, and same-day pay for armed robberies—all via social media
Netflix Adaptation of '3 Body Problem' Claims Second Life as Executed Business Partner Proves Three-Body Problems Are Indeed Fatal
Chinese court confirms that in the streaming wars, you don't get canceled — you get executed
Doctors to Start Measuring Screen Time as Vital Sign, Alongside Pulse and Existential Dread
New guidelines require pediatricians to ask 'How many hours do you scroll?' while documenting everything on an iPad.
Entry-Level Job Drought: Next CEO Suggests Applicants Fight to Death for Chance to Fold Sweaters
Lord Wolfson proposes gladiatorial trials as applications double; Milburn report expected to recommend basic income in form of Next gift cards.
Europe’s May Heat Dome Declared Official Trial Run for Brexit’s Final Meltdown
As thermometers shatter records, officials suggest the real emergency is learning to pronounce 'heat dome' in all 24 EU languages.
Venezuelans Flee Economic Collapse for Cuba, Which Is Also Collapsing Economically, But Their Hearts Tell Them It’s Fine
New migration route swaps one socialist utopia for another in what experts call 'the world's saddest timeshare exchange'
U.S. Secretary of State Rubio Says Iran Deal ‘Could Take Days,’ Orders Strikes to Speed Things Up
‘Nothing says diplomacy like a little bombs-away,’ Rubio explains
Bolivian President Cuts Salary by 50%, Expects Protesters to Do the Same with Their Demands
‘I’m showing solidarity by only earning $40,000 a year,’ Paz said as tear gas canisters rained down on barricaded streets.
Maimane Blames ZANU-PF for Immigration Crisis, Proposes Bake Sale to Fund Border Wall
South African opposition leader suggests selling malva pudding and koeksisters to block Zimbabwean migrants.
Starbucks Introduces ‘Tank Day’ Loyalty Program: Buy 9 Mochas, Get a Free Flashback to Authoritarian Crackdown
New promotion offers customers a chilling reminder of 1980s military suppression, plus 50 stars bonus
Jupiter’s Dust Ring Was a Cosmic Ikea Factory, But Assembly Instructions Were Lost, Scientists Reveal
Study says planet factory churned out mismatched parts, explaining why Earth got wonky continents and Jupiter still has a missing table leg
