Pope Leo Demands Tech CEOs Slow AI Development, Vatican IT Still Using Windows 95

Holy See issues landmark open letter on artificial intelligence while struggling to connect its own printer

Pope Leo issued his first major document on artificial intelligence on Tuesday, urging Silicon Valley to slow down and think about the moral implications of their technology. The 12-page open letter, delivered via fax to Google, Meta, and OpenAI, warns that unregulated AI could lead to endless war and societal collapse. However, sources inside the Vatican reveal that the pope’s IT department, led by a 73-year-old priest named Brother Dominic, is still using Windows 95 and has been trying to get the office printer to work for three weeks. “We sent the letter at 14.4 kbps — took us four hours to transmit,” Brother Dominic told reporters. “But we’re confident the tech billionaires will read it, as long as they still check their AOL mail.”

The letter specifically calls out AI systems that spread misinformation and amplify conflict. “These algorithms are like the printing press but worse,” the pope writes. “Except we still haven’t figured out how to properly photocopy a document.” Vatican officials say the document was shaped by months of consultations with ethicists and computer scientists, though one advisor noted that the pope’s preferred AI assistant is a talking crucifix that simply repeats everything he says. “The irony is thick enough to spread on a cracker,” said tech analyst Maria Gonzalez. “The Vatican lectures us about speed while their own IT infrastructure is held together with prayer and duct tape.”

The timing is critical: the global AI industry is booming, with OpenAI, Google, and Meta racing to deploy powerful models. The pope’s call for a slowdown directly challenges Silicon Valley’s ethos of moving fast and breaking things. A Meta spokesperson responded, “We appreciate the pope’s input, but we’ll get back to him once we’ve read his letter — it’s still buffering.” Meanwhile, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman issued a statement: “We welcome dialogue with religious leaders, but we’re going to need a more modern method of communication. Can he ping us on Slack?”

The pope’s warning about AI and conflict is particularly pointed, citing autonomous weapons and predictive military algorithms. “These machines decide who lives and dies without human oversight,” the letter states. “That’s our job,” added the pope in a handwritten margin note. “We’ve been doing it for 2,000 years, and we’re not about to be outsourced to a chatbot.”

Editor’s note: Kevin, our editor, spent 45 minutes trying to scan the pope’s letter into our system and finally gave up. He says he’s going to start praying to the tech gods. “If the Vatican can’t get its act together, how are we supposed to trust them on AI?” he muttered, before adding, “But they did make a good point about the printer.”

Ispirato da: Pope Leo issues open letter calling for regulation of AI development

Categoria: Tech

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
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