ISRAEL CAPTURES A 12TH-CENTURY CASTLE, DENYING ANY INTENTION OF STAYING LONG

Both the crocodile moat and the boiling oil from the towers proved ineffective in defense.

Southern Lebanon — The Israeli military has captured Beaufort Castle, a 12th-century Crusader fortress overlooking southern Lebanon. The defenses arranged by its occupants — a crocodile-filled moat and boiling oil poured from the towers — proved insufficient against an adversary equipped with night-vision goggles and air cover, in what analysts are calling the first battle in history fought between two different centuries.

Entering the fortress during the truce, soldiers report having found a population in medieval dress, who reportedly greeted them with the question: "Whence come ye, my lords? From the future?" The matter, still unresolved, has been referred to command.

Strategically, the position remains excellent: a view of two nations, thick walls, and, according to forecasts, a neighborhood that will stay lively for a long time. Internal sources concede, however, that the appeal of the operation is partly logistical. "When will we ever again get a war that lets us sleep for free in a castle?" one soldier confided. The presence has been officially described as "temporary," a term used here in its centuries-long sense.

The next objective, according to unconfirmed rumors, would be the Alamo, with a view to opening a themed hotel chain for cosplayers.

This article is satire written with human editorial oversight.
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