Gael Monfils Retires, Taking 47 Unnecessary Splits, 12 Racket Drops With Him

French showman finally leaves tennis to pursue full-time career as human Slinky

PARIS — The French Open lost more than a player on Tuesday when Gaël Monfils walked off Court Philippe-Chatrier for the last time. It lost a one-man Cirque du Soleil, a walking SportsCenter Top 10, and the only man who could make a routine volley look like he was escaping a swarm of bees.

Monfils, 38, announced he will retire at the end of the season, closing the curtain on a 19-year career defined by acrobatic shot-making and the kind of infectious energy usually reserved for golden retrievers. His first-round loss at Roland Garros marked the final chapter of a journey that began when he burst onto the scene as a teenager — and immediately began sliding on clay for no discernible reason.

“Gael didn’t just play tennis,” said retired player Arnaud Clément. “He treated every point as a performance art piece. Other players hit winners. Gael hit a between-the-legs tweener, then did a backflip, then apologized to the ball for hurting its feelings.”

Monfils’ legacy includes 13 ATP titles, three ATP 500 trophies, and an estimated 47 unnecessary between-the-legs shots attempted when a simple forehand would have sufficed. His most notable Grand Slam results — semifinals at Roland Garros in 2008 and the US Open in 2016 — are almost secondary to the sheer volume of highlight-reel moments he generated.

“I’ve never seen anyone make a simple slice backhand look like they were possessed by the ghost of a breakdancer,” said longtime fan Sophie Durand, wiping away tears. “We didn’t come to see him win. We came to see him do a full split while returning a 140-mph serve.”

Tour officials confirmed that Monfils’ retirement will leave a “quite frankly terrifying” hole in the sport’s entertainment quotient. “We may have to import 12 extra players just to replicate the number of crowd gasps per match,” said ATP spokesman Jean-Pierre LeBon. “We’re looking at recruiting from professional wrestling.”

Monfils insists he’s ready to move on. “I have given everything to tennis,” he said, before adding that his next project is “a full-time career as a human Slinky.” The crowd gave him a standing ovation after his final match — one that lasted 14 minutes because Monfils kept bowing, blowing kisses, and gesturing “one more time” like a rock star refusing to leave the stage.

Editor’s note: Kevin asked us to clarify that he did not, in fact, cry while writing this article. He did, however, attempt a between-the-legs shot with his coffee mug. It did not end well.

Ispirato da: Gael Monfils says goodbye to French Open ahead of retirement

Categoria: Sport

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