China Unveils Bomb-Powered Cargo Ships, Registers Them as Low-Emission Vessels

The ships produce zero direct emissions, provided you don't count the war.

Beijing has announced the Heping-7 class, a new series of commercial vessels designed to navigate autonomously through active conflict zones by harvesting the kinetic energy of surrounding explosions. The ships require no conventional fuel: the more ordnance detonates in their vicinity, the faster they travel, a propulsion model the Chinese Ministry of Defence described as "entirely passive" and "not our fault." Lloyd's of London has confirmed it is reviewing a dedicated insurance policy featuring a first-of-its-kind clause under which premiums decrease proportionally with hull damage, on the grounds that the vessel is technically performing better. The Pentagon expressed concern that China has found a way to use other people's bombs for free, without purchasing them from a wholesaler or justifying the expense to Congress. The prototype completed its maiden voyage through the Strait of Hormuz on an otherwise unremarkable Tuesday morning. The European Union is assessing whether the propulsion system qualifies for Green Deal subsidies, noting the ships produce zero direct emissions, provided you don't count the war.

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