BJP’s First Achievement in West Bengal: Solving Cow Shortage by Scaring Away All Cows and Traders

Eid cattle markets empty as party’s pro-cow promises inadvertently create cow-free zones

KOLKATA—In what party officials are calling an “unexpected efficiency,” the newly elected BJP government in West Bengal has successfully emptied cattle markets just days before Eid al-Adha, achieving a level of bovine absence that previous administrations could only dream of. Market stalls that once teemed with goats, sheep, and cows now host only a few bewildered pigeons and a stray dog that looks personally offended by the lack of offal.

“We promised to protect cows, and we delivered,” said BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Pillai, standing in a deserted market in Murshidabad. “The cows are so protected, they’re not even here. That’s next-level protection.”

Traders and buyers have vanished amid fears that the party’s long-stated goal of enforcing cow slaughter bans will now become reality. “Last year I sold 50 goats,” said Mohammad Idris, a vendor whose stall now features only a single goat that appears to have fainted. “This year I sold zero. But on the bright side, the cows are very safe. I think they’re hiding in Bangladesh.”

Editor’s note: Kevin, our editor, has been staring at this story for three hours and has now started muttering, “If all cows disappear, technically there is no cow slaughter. Bold strategy. Let’s see if it pays off.”

The economic impact has been immediate. The pre-Eid cattle trade, normally worth hundreds of crores, has collapsed. “We’ve achieved negative growth,” beamed Chief Minister-designate Suvendu Adhikari. “The opposition wanted GDP growth. We offer GDP shrinkage. It’s more honest.”

Meanwhile, families are scrambling for alternatives. “We might sacrifice a chicken,” said Fatima Begum of Nadia district. “But the BJP also seems to be against chicken slaughter, so we’re looking at eggs. Unfertilized ones. Just to be safe.”

Political analysts note the irony that a party promising economic revival has killed the economy of an entire religious festival. “It’s like curing a headache by removing the head,” said Dr. Amartya Sen, appearing briefly to say that before being drowned out by chanting from a nearby rally.

At press time, the only animal left in the largest market in Kolkata was a single cow that had somehow acquired a BJP badge. It was rumored to be under consideration for a cabinet position.

Ispirato da: Real article about empty cattle markets in West Bengal after BJP election victory due to cow slaughter fears

Categoria: Politica

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
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