pope
Pope Uses AI to Diagnose Tech Billionaires as Suffering from Acute Pharisee-itis
Vatican issues encyclical warning that opaque algorithms are merely a high-tech version of the indulgence system
Hong Kong
Hong Kong to Establish Ministry of Astronaut Momentum After One Guy Went to Space
Experts say a dedicated office is needed to capitalize on the 'excitement' of a single rocket launch before everyone forgets about it
Hong Kong
Hong Kong Finally Gets Its First Astronaut; Government Officials Still Looking for Venue to Celebrate
City celebrates Lai Ka-ying's historic spaceflight by forming committee to form another committee
Leipzig
Leipzig Students Vote to Boycott Israel, Accidentally Become Everything Their Predecessors Fought Against
In a stunning reversal, the cradle of Germany's pro-Israel 'Antideutsche' movement now demands academic apartheid, leaving old guard bewildered.
youth unemployment
Labour Calls for 'System Reset' on Youth Unemployment; Resets to Same Broken System
Alan Milburn proposes integrating services, but critics note the only thing integrated is the confusion
Japan
Japan Finance Minister Unveils $19 Billion Budget Conjured From Treasury's 'Forgotten Coat Pockets'
Sanae Takaichi insists the funds were found in a jar labeled 'emergency unicorn fund' and vows no new bonds will be issued—just old ones recycled
Crab
100-Million-Year-Old Bug Grows Crab Claws to Fit In with Cooler Cretaceous Crustaceans
Paleontologists say the insect's desperate attempt at ‘crabification’ proves that even ancient bugs suffered from crustacean envy.
iran
Strait of Hormuz Refuses to Return Calls, Leaving Iran and US Stuck in Endless Negotiations
Diplomatic sources confirm the real obstacle isn't uranium enrichment but the waterway's passive-aggressive silence
Trump
Trump Announces Iran Peace Deal Has 'Broad Outlines' But Won't Say What They Are; Pope Warns AI Will Write Better Treaties
The White House says the broad outlines of an agreement have been reached, but refuses to share the outlines. Meanwhile, the Pope cautions that the next peace deal could be generated by ChatGPT.
Iran
Iran and US Diplomatic Talks Rated ‘It’s Complicated’ on Relationship Status
Negotiators announce 90% of issues resolved, but refuse to set a date for the ‘deal wedding’
Brazil
Brazilian Oil Becomes World's Most Wanted 'Safe Cargo' After Middle East Decides to Play 'Fuck Around and Find Out' with Tanker Insurance
As the Strait of Hormuz turns into a maritime game of Russian roulette, China and India are suddenly very interested in Brazil's weird, sulfurous crude that tastes like burnt hair but at least doesn't come with a side of missile
Japan
Takaichi Unveils $19 Billion ‘Definitely Not a Stimulus’ Stimulus, Promises Fiscal Discipline Any Day Now
Finance Minister insists the supplementary budget is both necessary and unnecessary, Schrödinger-style
quantum computing
U.S. Quantum Foundry to Operate in Legal Superposition, Officials Confirm
New facility may or may not comply with federal regulations, depending on observation
US-Iran
US and Iran Celebrate Draft Agreement on Agreement to Eventually Draft an Agreement
Historic 14-point memo outlines shared commitment to negotiating the terms of future negotiations
xenophobia
Ghanaians Queue for Emergency Escape Flights, Treat Embassy Like Black Friday Sale for Freedom
'Hurry up, I need to get out before the next round of 'Go Home' signs go up,' says one evacuee clutching passport and small bag of plantains.
