Iran and US Diplomatic Talks Rated ‘It’s Complicated’ on Relationship Status

Negotiators announce 90% of issues resolved, but refuse to set a date for the ‘deal wedding’

TEHRAN — In a update that sounded more like a Facebook relationship status than a diplomatic briefing, Iran announced Thursday that a deal with the United States is ‘not imminent’ despite having resolved ‘a large portion’ of outstanding issues.

“We’ve sorted out about 90% of our problems,” said Foreign Ministry spokesman Esmail Baghaei, staring at a whiteboard covered in crossed-out bullet points. “We’ve agreed on enrichment levels, IAEA access, and even what to name the joint commission’s cat. But we’re not ready to commit. It’s complicated, you know?”

Analysts say the remaining 10% of issues include the exact number of centrifuges that can spin while singing “Happy Birthday,” as well as a final decision on who pays for the negotiation dinner. “They keep bringing up the appetizer bill from 2018,” said one Western diplomat, sighing.

According to a internal memo obtained by Broathcast Journal, both sides have been binge-watching “The Bachelor” for inspiration. “We’re looking for a dramatic rose ceremony at the last minute,” wrote Kevin, our editor, who has been covering these talks since the Obama administration and has developed a twitch. “I’ve seen more final deals than seasons of ‘Friends,’ and that show ended twice.”

The negotiations have been described as a never-ending reality show where both sides tease a finale that never comes. “We’re waiting for the perfect venue — maybe a neutral island with good WiFi and no paparazzi,” said an Iranian official who asked not to be named because his mom doesn’t know he works in diplomacy.

When pressed for a timeline, Baghaei added, “We’re not saying no, we’re saying not yet. It’s like asking someone to marry you on the first date. We just need a few more months of conference calls and trust falls.”

Meanwhile, the US State Department declined to comment, but a source said they’re currently searching for a bigger whiteboard.

Editor’s note: Kevin wants everyone to know that he has not cried during this negotiation cycle. He has simply developed a persistent leak from his left eye.

Ispirato da: Iran says deal with US 'not imminent' despite progress (Al Jazeera)

Categoria: Politica

Questo articolo è satira generata con l'ausilio di intelligenza artificiale e supervisione editoriale umana. Ogni riferimento a fatti reali è puramente parodico.
Broathcast Journal è un progetto del Daily Ethical Observer.