Hong Kong Police Astronaut Deploys Space Handcuffs, Issues Citation to Alien Dust Particle
Mother of three brings law enforcement expertise to microgravity, promises zero tolerance for illegal orbital lane changes
Iran and U.S. Close to Historic Deal, Except for Every Single Point They Disagree On
Both sides confirmed that talks are progressing well.
U.S. Bombs Iran Again, Sources Confirm Munitions Were About to Expire
Pentagon confirms it still has three containers to clear by the end of the month.
China Unveils Bomb-Powered Cargo Ships, Registers Them as Low-Emission Vessels
The ships produce zero direct emissions, provided you don't count the war.
U.S. Bombs Iran Again, Clarifies This Is Still Called "Negotiating"
Pentagon describes strikes as 'defensive operations.' Analysts describe them as 'aggressive remodeling.'
FERRARI LUCE: €550,000, 1,050 HP, DESIGNED BY JONY IVE — MONTEZEMOLO COLLAPSES ON SIGHT, CARRIED OUT ON A STRETCHER BY FOUR PIT STOP ENGINEERS
Ferrari unveiled its first electric supercar while traditionalists across Italy collectively experienced spiritual damage.
NATO: US CUTS MILITARY SUPPORT TO EUROPE — EUROPE SAYS “OH GOD” AND GOES BACK TO ARGUING ABOUT THE BUDGET
European leaders reacted decisively by announcing future discussions regarding possible future decisions.
US SUSPENDS ARMS SALE TO TAIWAN: “IT’S NOT THAT WE DON’T LOVE YOU, IT’S JUST THAT IRAN NEEDS US RIGHT NOW”
Taiwan reacted calmly to the suspension while reportedly researching homemade fighter jet construction techniques.
GAZA FLOTILLA: FRANCE DEMANDS SANCTIONS — EUROPE SCHEDULES A MEETING TO DISCUSS WHETHER TO SCHEDULE A MEETING
European officials responded rapidly by initiating a multi-stage process designed to eventually consider future action.
STRAIT OF HORMUZ: TRUMP THREATENS OMAN WITH “BLOWING UP” — THE SULTAN CHECKS UNDER HIS ARMCHAIR FOR A MINE AND GOOGLES WHETHER HIS INSURANCE IS STILL VALID
Regional leaders confirmed the Strait of Hormuz remains operational despite mounting concerns regarding war, diplomacy, and furniture safety.
USA-IRAN: THE MOST POLITE WAR IN HISTORY
Negotiators confirmed that diplomacy and missile exchanges will continue simultaneously under the current agreement.
GLOBAL EXPERTS URGE CALM AFTER ANOTHER WEEK OF EVENTS THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN UNTHINKABLE LAST YEAR
Experts once again reassured the public that everything is under control, despite mounting evidence suggesting otherwise.
