BP
BP Chair Axed for Being 'Too Ethical'; Board Claims Greenwashing Efforts Undermined
Company announces new chair must have 'realistic' approach to climate pledges and at least 20% more fossil fuel enthusiasm
BP
BP Fires Chair for ‘Unacceptable’ Oversight, Replaces With Empty Gas Pump to Better Reflect Company Values
As UK petrol prices hit new Iran war high, company says new leader’s lack of accountability is ‘refreshingly transparent’
entry-level jobs
Entry-Level Job Drought: Next CEO Suggests Applicants Fight to Death for Chance to Fold Sweaters
Lord Wolfson proposes gladiatorial trials as applications double; Milburn report expected to recommend basic income in form of Next gift cards.
AI
AI Hype Bubble Bursts After Cable Maker Admits Wires Don't Actually Think
Fujikura's stock halved as investors realize fiber optics can't generate profits from sheer enthusiasm
japan
Japan Loses Top Creditor Crown to China and Germany, Vows to Win It Back by Buying More Foreign Bonds with Pensioners' Life Savings
Record-high external assets not enough to keep up with aggressive Chinese spending and German efficiency; Japanese Finance Ministry says ‘next time, we’ll put the yen on steroids’
automation
Next CEO Blames Automation for Killing Entry-Level Jobs, Announces New AI That Will Replace 500 More
Lord Wolfson says ‘the market is changing’ while personally changing the market with a robot army
Japan
Japan Finance Minister Unveils $19 Billion Budget Conjured From Treasury's 'Forgotten Coat Pockets'
Sanae Takaichi insists the funds were found in a jar labeled 'emergency unicorn fund' and vows no new bonds will be issued—just old ones recycled
Brazil
Brazilian Oil Becomes World's Most Wanted 'Safe Cargo' After Middle East Decides to Play 'Fuck Around and Find Out' with Tanker Insurance
As the Strait of Hormuz turns into a maritime game of Russian roulette, China and India are suddenly very interested in Brazil's weird, sulfurous crude that tastes like burnt hair but at least doesn't come with a side of missile
Japan
Takaichi Unveils $19 Billion ‘Definitely Not a Stimulus’ Stimulus, Promises Fiscal Discipline Any Day Now
Finance Minister insists the supplementary budget is both necessary and unnecessary, Schrödinger-style
BHP
BHP’s Climate Pledge Now Officially Renamed ‘Net-Zero By, Uh, Whenever’ After Leaked Docs Reveal ‘Brakes Slammed’ on Green Projects
World’s biggest miner publicly vows climate leadership while internal memos show it’s busy ‘war-gaming’ ways to delay solar panels until retirement age.
