ISRAEL EXPANDS CONTROL OF GAZA TO 70%, IN KEEPING WITH A TRUCE THAT SET IT AT 53%

Netanyahu has ordered the military to extend its control to 70% of Gaza. October's ceasefire fixed the pullback at 53%; earlier this month it stood at 60%. The figure advances with the calm of a rewards program: at 54% you take home the cookware set, at 70% you unlock the high-definition television, and at 100% you qualify for a one-of-a-kind theatrical performance, featuring real casualties and authentic firefights. For obvious reasons the show offers no repeat dates: at present it remains difficult to source replacement extras on short notice. Meanwhile Israel announced it would sever ties with the UN Secretary-General after being placed on a list concerning sexual violence, calling the decision disconnected from reality — the same reality that credits it another ten percent of Gaza each month.

This article is satire written with human editorial oversight.
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