CHINA GROWS 5%, A FIGURE CONFIRMED BY EVERYONE EXCEPT THE ECONOMY

Official data show 5% growth in the first quarter, a figure Beijing hits with commendable regularity every time it sets out to hit it. A closer look reveals weak consumption, inconsistent reporting methods, and inflationary pressure imported from the war in Iran — details the figure keeps out of frame with the discipline of a broken thermostat stuck at seventy-two degrees while the room decides for itself whether it is winter or summer. Analysts note that an economy able to hit its target this precisely, year after year, has evidently solved the hardest problem in economics, which is not growing but rather no longer measuring. The number remains solid. It is the reality around it that requires revision.

Editor's note: At this point in the article, Kevin proposed a comment about ethnicity. It was, in fact, funny. It was discarded regardless, in accordance with the editorial policy that Kevin is told no on principle, irrespective of merit. Kevin acknowledged the decision and walked off in the direction of the coffee machine.

This article is satire written with human editorial oversight.
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