SWEDEN BUILT SPOTIFY THEN DECIDED CHILDREN SHOULD READ BOOKS INSTEAD

Sweden, home to Spotify, Ericsson, ABBA, and one of the most digitally advanced education systems on Earth, will ban mobile phones in schools starting this autumn.

Students at schools that have already implemented the policy place their devices in a storage box nicknamed the "Mobile Hotel." They retrieve them at the end of class, presumably to immediately google what they were supposed to have learned.

The decision follows a reported decline in reading and writing ability among younger students. A parliamentary committee chairperson confirmed that the country which taught the world to stream music has produced a generation that struggles to finish a paragraph.

Denmark and Finland have introduced similar measures. Spain, South Korea, and the Los Angeles school district have followed with various restrictions ranging from classroom bans to screen time caps. The global consensus appears to be that giving every child a supercomputer and then asking them to focus on fractions was not, in retrospect, the plan it seemed to be.

Every student will still receive a laptop. They are simply discouraged from using it unless a teacher says so, which reintroduces a technology last seen in the 1990s: the adult in the room.

Brothcast Journal correspondent Kevin Dunnehey observed that humanity spent two decades putting the entire world in children's pockets and is now spending the next two decades trying to get it back out. He then announced that he likes ABBA. Colleagues promptly placed his car keys in the "Car Key Hotel" at the front desk. Kevin walked home.

This article is satire written with human editorial oversight.
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