BRITAIN SPENT TWENTY-EIGHT BILLION FUNDING ITS OWN ENEMIES BY ACCIDENT

A classified Cabinet Office dossier has revealed that more than £28 billion of British taxpayer money ended up in the hands of terrorists, hostile states, and organised crime between 2015 and 2021, through foreign aid, Covid relief loans, and research grants.

Recipients included Russian state-linked entities, Islamic State operatives in Syria, and companies tied to China's military. In one case, a British defence technology firm received a government grant shortly before a Kremlin-linked entity acquired a stake in it, meaning London was funding both the shield and the sword pointed at it.

Government sources dismissed the criticism, explaining the funds were not sent to hostile groups intentionally. "If we had wanted to do it on purpose," one official stated, "we would have established a task force, produced a 400-page document, and spent at least another three billion."

Brothcast Journal correspondent Kevin Dunnehey compared the system to a sprinkler that manages to water the garden, the weeds, and the neighbour's house simultaneously. "A remarkable demonstration of coverage."

Kevin was subsequently locked in the conference room. Witnesses report he spent the next twenty minutes saying, "Guys? Guys? Seriously? Guys?" through the glass door.

This article is satire written with human editorial oversight.
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